Good Morning. I Am Here.

The smell of the orange fills the room and I am suddenly covered in mud, in sand,

in bones and bits of trees growing from my limbs.

If I stand still long enough will I turn stiff and timber-like?

Will a bird land on me and think I am home to him?

The sunset sucks the juice from the orange and the blueberries

so that when I chew I taste nothing but the dirt.

That’s where I will end up anyway - brown and yellow adjacent to one another

in the earth, in the sand, in the stranger’s deadened eyes

as I pass by pretending not to notice

but noticing enough that it bothers me to my core.

This is why I love convertibles and classical music with the windows rolled down.

The leaves may fall and the wind may blow but my soul can rise up like a phoenix from the ashes and fly free into the blues and the yellows and the sunshine again only to scream at the top of my lungs:

“Good Morning. I am here.”

A New List on a Hot Summer Day.

The other day, I sat in my backyard watching water slap up against the seawall. Add it to the list of days in the 90s here in New York. Today, the sun feels good, like my bones are getting warmed up. As I lay in the sun and listen to Jack Johnson lull me off to a late afternoon nap, I start to toss around the things I want from life. They rattle around in my head in no particular order. Usually when thoughts rattle around in my head, it means it's time for them to come out and be written down. So here is that list:

1. I want to keep my faith in people and small moments.
2. I want to always believe in the beauty of this earth and possibilities. 
3. I want to pass whatever test is next.
4. I want to hit the game winning shot at the buzzer (metaphorically or literally).
5. I want to be surprised.
6. I want always to feel comforted by the warmth of the sun and the breeze in my face.
6. I want my hard work to pay off greater than my expectations. 
7. I want to believe with all my heart I was put on this earth for a reason and I found that reason. 
8. I want to feel my spirit rise in the sky for one glorious moment and know this is exactly where I was meant to be. 
9. I don’t ever want to hit the snooze button again. I know, I digress, but I think the snooze button is the worst invention ever.  It allows, no wait, it condones people eeking their lives away nine minutes at a time.  Why not ten minutes?  Who decided nine minutes was the acceptable timeframe to sleep in?  Why do we allow someone else to decide what is acceptable for us?  What if I want my snooze to be exactly forty-three seconds. 
10. I want to live acceptably for me and no one else, even if you don't agree.  

11. I want to feel calm and at ease with my decisions. 
12. I want to throw away my television and take a walk instead. 
13. I want to pray to God in my own quiet way, and not be dictated how to worship by men who are as far away from God as I’ve ever seen. 
14. I want to rant sometimes like the homeless person on the corner about all the wrongs in my mind, and I want to rant in my own language, even if you can’t understand it. 

15. I want to feel passion that lasts, to feel undressed by someone’s eyes, feel the tingle in my toes from a kiss, the whisper on my lashes, the flipping in my stomach, thinking- wow, this is gonna be good.  It’s gonna be sweaty and it’s gonna be good. 
16. I want to write it all down - leave no word unwritten, no sentiment untouched.
17. I want to tell stories - good ones- and be paid well for it.
18. I want to sit at my desk and write with the ease of flipping the channels on the television. No, wait, I take that back. I never want writing to get easy because I never want to take it for granted. Okay. That one has been amended.
19.I want to go to sleep each night with the confidence that I wasted no time during my time awake. Not one second lost. 
20. I want to spend my day understanding that I have done nothing less than my purpose for that day. 
21.I want to be in awe of the unknown, because within the unknown is the place I fall asleep dreaming about.
22. I want to have enough money that I can comfortably give plenty away to others.
23. I want to make someone laugh.
24. I want to grill a steak, roast some potatoes and sit crosslegged on the beach eating dinner and watching the sun set.
25. I want all the people whom I love to know that I love them.
26. I want to send my parents on a trip to Italy.
27. I want to...fall...asleep....

Summer Time and The Grass is Burned

Judging by the amount of time it took me to gear up for this blog, I think my brain is as fried as the lawn.

I know I'm burned out and in dire need of a vacation, but there is no rest for the weary. I'm all in- my cards are on the table and I'm down to my last chips. I will not quit early, I won't pass out from heat stroke and I certainly will not whine about the long hours in front of the computer. It's all good, and it's all leading me in the right direction.

About three weeks ago, I quit my full-time job as director of Public Relations for a local college in order to focus on writing. (Can someone give me a WOO-HOO?) All my life I've wanted to be a writer. (Well, that and a professional basketball player. The way I figure it, one out of two isn't bad.) But for as long as I have been working, I've been earning my living; paying my bills, by NOT writing- by doing other marketing and communications work that wasn't at all as fulfilling. I justified continuing in this manner because, well, the utilities bill had to be paid and I needed gas in my car.

Then one day, I watched "The Secret" and I realized something very simple in theory, but life-changing for me. I realized that so long as I kept working and trying to write in my spare time, I was never putting it out to the universe that I EXPECTED to succeed at writing, that I was good enough to throw myself into it 125%, and be paid well for that work. So I made a change. The utilities bill still needs to be paid, and I still need gas in my car, but I never doubted I'd make money some other way.

And you know what? Now I'm actually getting pay checks to write. It's been a seamless transition. I might say I've been lucky, but that's not the truth. I've asked, and the universe is responding in kind.

When I get overtired and feeling sorry for myself (don't worry, it doesn't happen often), I think of the quote by Michael Jordan where he said "winners will do whatever it takes not to be losers, no matter how unpleasant the work of improving may be."

I've learned that writing is an awful lot like basketball. It's all about repetition, about doing the work when no one else is around. It's about putting in the time and willing myself to improve, to take the next step, even if I'm too exhausted to take another step.

Why are people so intimidated to work hard? Do do what is in their hearts?

If there is one thing I have learned these past few years it's that I know what kind of people I want in my life, and what people I want to work with. I want to be with people who inspire me, who have a light within them. People who still make shapes out of clouds and tell knock-knock jokes and love hard and strong and true- those are my people!

And so I'm writing. Every day. Sometimes for me, sometimes for other people and companies. I've finished a script based on the life of Emily Dickinson and I know that story came from somewhere down deep inside me, like the words flowed from some previously untapped well.

Now I've tapped the well. I know how to access it and I won't let that door close ever again. It's a new day. A new life for me. My list of things to do today puts it all in perspective:

1. Live in the moment.

2. Snuggle with my cats.

3. Play wiffle-ball with the dog.

4. Write for me.

5. Write for clients.

6. Meditate.

7. Workout.

8. Read one thing today that touches my soul.

9. Laugh.

Being Thankful Even When Nothing Wonderful Happens

I sat down to write this blog three, maybe four times. I'm a procrastinator by nature, and I'm perfectly well aware when I am stalling. Usually, the first clue is if I actually spend time to update my computer or clean out my old emails. These, along with balancing my checkbook and re-organizing the tupperware cabinet, are tell-tale signs I'm not ready to write.

For me, writing is like a form of meditation. It forces me to sit still, quiet my mind and focus on the words before me as they string together to form sentences. When I write, I take deep breaths, I slow down, I stop for a moment to think about the world around me. The only other time I feel peace like this is when I step onto a basketball court. For me, writing and basketball are my two forms of meditation.

Now the inherent problem with this blogging schtick is that I feel I need to have something important to say - something that will change my world view, or someone else's. I know, I know, what can I say, I'm relatively new to this blogging thing and still learning.

I was in the car today driving over the Tappan Zee Bridge, as I do nearly every day, and I was struck by a simple thought: not every day is magnificent. Most everyone else has probably figured this one out. I'm a late bloomer, I guess. When I was small, I thought every day would be magnificent. I thought that way because as a child, nearly every one of my days was, in fact, amazing. Maybe because of that, I was hard-wired to expect greatness every single day.

But as I get older, I realize that living life isn't about expecting every moment to be one for the record books. It's about finding one small thing in a day that might be ordinary, but is beautiful nonetheless. And I am reminded that I should thank my parents more for raising me well. I should tell them how beautiful my childhood was for me, and thank them for giving me that extraordinary gift.

I must also remind myself that I will not be perfect every day. For as long as I can remember, I have been harder on myself than anyone else could possibly be. So today when I drove over the Tappan Zee Bridge frustrated about all the things on my To-Do List that had not been completed (and it was already past noon), I noticed the way the sunlight reflected off the ice on the Hudson River, and I told myself to lighten up.

The truth is, there are some days when nothing wonderful happens. While there are times when I fear that mediocrity will eat me alive, and if I have to spend one more minute on the phone with the cable company or the cell phone company or a bank's automated system I might just lose it completely, I know now that life isn't just about doing great things. It's about being thankful even when nothing wonderful happens.

I am so very thankful for all of my blessings...

Now onto that To-Do List.